The only time I will agree to burn books

19 May

What to do with a Nicholas Sparks book someone gave you as a gift (besides beating said friend to a bloody pulp)*:

1.  Kindling for the fire

2.  Facial tissues

3.  Use the pages as wrapping paper to wrap an actual good book, like The Great Gatsby

4.  Spitballs

5.  Line a birdcage

6.  Toilet paper (it may be a little rough but you gotta love the irony of shit on shit)

7.  Mix equal parts water and glue and use the pages to make a pinata, then beat the shit out of it

8.  Use it to test velocity and wind resistance by throwing it out the top floor window of a skyscraper

9.  Use it to beat up Nicholas Sparks at author signings for writing such shit, but make sure it’s a hardcover copy

10. Beat up fans of Nicholas Sparks when they say he is one of the greats

11. Punch or throw it when angry

12. Make paper airplanes to throw around the office

13. Use a page at the office in place of a memo and see if anyone notices

14. Take it back to the bookstore and demand not only the money back but compensation for psychological damages

15. Create a new clothing item made out of the pages and call it “Barely There,” as the content is just that

16. Read it aloud to your enemies, although this may be equally painful for you

17. Reuse the pages’ margins (they’re wide enough) to rough draft either a praising letter to an excellent author or a death threat to Nicholas Sparks

18. Mix it with water, glue, and spices then form a patty, grill it, and serve on a warm bun – guaranteed to taste just like McDonald’s!

19. Use it in a stage rendition of Fahrenheit 451

20. Use it as an example in a creative writing class on how not to tell a good story

*Disclaimer: I wrote this piece for the zine Eat Chalk Evildoers! that my friend Carmen and I put out.

1 Comment

Posted by on May 19, 2010 in Literature, Rants


Tags: , ,

One response to “The only time I will agree to burn books

  1. Jen

    May 19, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    I’m SO doing #7 for your birthday party.


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